Sometimes I wish I never had a past relationship. People say it makes you a better person, and yes I may be stronger and more vocal these days, but all it really made me was depressed and more of a bitter person. I didn’t learn anything from it, aside the fact that you can’t trust anyone, even those closest to you. Nothing good came from it. I’m not as optimistic about life as I once was. I have trust issues. I get emotional very easily now. And worst of all it has made me very insecure and paranoid about my current relationship.

It still hurts to this day. I think I’d be a lot happier and a lot better off if that relationship never happened.

But that’s life for you.

Everything happens for a reason and I can’t change what’s already happened. All I can do is accept it and be hopeful about the future.

I just wish I was better at letting go of the past.

It’s hard to describe this feeling I have. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I feel… at ease. Like everything is right in the world again. I feel at peace. I have no worries, no stress, no anything. I’m just living my life day to day in sheer contentment. I am very happy with my life in it’s current state. And I am hopeful about the future. It’s like everything is finally coming together. My life is finally shaping itself into a life I’ve always wanted. And I finally feel at bliss.

I think I know when I start getting really attached to someone when some of the smallest things start becoming a big deal to me. Whether it be simple things you do that make me smile, or something small that just sets me off. When things you do start to dictate how I feel, whether it make me happy or make me sad. When your actions and words start affecting my mood, that’s when I know you’re really something special to me.

You have no idea how happy you make me. I love the way you make me feel. I love getting those good morning texts from you when I wake up. I love talking to you everyday from when I wake up to when I go to bed. I love being able to call you up whenever I please and I love how we always stay up late on webcam just talking for hours and hours about the silliest of things. I wish it would never end. I love how just talking to you automatically brightens my day. You make me forget all of the bad going on around me and it’s easy to focus on the positives with you around. I feel like my life is finally turning around and coming together thanks to you. You make me so so happy. I can never stop smiling when I’m talking to you. You are truly one of a kind and I am grateful that you turned up in my life (:

I don’t know what to do anymore. Every time I think I’m alright again, something comes up. Every time things seem to be going good, something appears to ruin it. I feel so lost. I don’t know which direction to go in, I don’t know which path to take. I don’t know what I want anymore. Why can’t life be simpler?

I just am. I can’t help it. Which is very unusual to how I usually act. If you know me then you know I am loud, bubbly, and outgoing. The complete opposite of shy. But the second a guy shows up on the scene, it’s as if my personality goes into hiding. I feel nervous and I get quiet because I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of a guy, especially if it’s a cute guy or a guy who shows interest in me. I guess I feel afraid I might scare them off, so I just become more reserved. But sooner or later once I feel comfortable enough around the guy, my true personality will shine through.

I can’t talk to anyone else the way I talk to you. You know how I said you speak before you think? Well, I’m the same way with you. I just say whatever comes to my mind without worrying about what it sounds like. I can do that with you, and only you. Because I know I can say whatever I want and you won’t judge me or look at me any differently. I don’t have to worry about impressing you or saying the right things, because I know you accept me for who I am. I can be completely myself around you, and you enjoy it. You accept my weirdness. I don’t have to worry about anything when talking with you. It’s just natural. I like that feeling. That feeling of no worries. That feeling of freedom I have when it comes to talking to you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find that in anyone else. Ever.

I don’t understand why I feel the way I feel.
I don’t understand why I do the things I do.
I don’t understand why I say the things I say.
I don’t understand why I care so much.
I don’t understand why I let it affect me so much.
I don’t understand my heart at all.

But I wish I did.